I just got a solid reprimand from a friend of mine. We've been friends since junior high, and we love each other...Sometimes love is hard.
Today he asked me how I would feel if I saw someone hurting badly, someone in need of help, but I could do nothing. He knows how I would feel. He knows that is my nightmare. He then said, "Jerri, I'm looking at you, and I can't help."
And he hates it.
It is a hard thing to feel like I'm looking out a glass window and there is no way to let anyone in, and I'm afraid to try to let anyone in because I'm afraid they will walk in and immediately start trying to clean things up and make it presentable according to their standards...according to what their life circumstances are...or what ours used to be...who I used to be. And all that does is make me add another lock to my door and draw the curtain a bit tighter on the window.
Thus, the reprimand...with a confession. "I don't know what to do. Tell me what you need."
What do I need?
I need someone who will let me lean on them and cry without their trying to fix it or make me feel better or in some way make the tears stop. I need to lean on someone who will let me cry until I simply have no more tears
I need to be held close so I can melt...without having to worry about someone's agenda.
I need someone to sit with me and listen while I pour out my heart...as tangential and wandering as it may be.
I need people to quit telling me, "You need to..." when they obviously have no clue who I am or what settles my soul. Starbucks is just an overpriced cup of coffee in a loud environment with uncomfortable chairs. Coffee from a thermos outside under the stars is a lot cheaper and far more soothing to the soul.
I need a day on the water where I am only along for the ride and don't have to think.
I need a friend who likes what I like. It is really pretty depressing to fish, camp, kayak, hike, play pool, paint, and...alone.
I need to not hear, "You just need to get laid," anymore. Really? There are people getting laid all the time who are utterly miserable. Nameless sex would really make me feel better after the complete rejection I have felt since long before Rob left? (I will stop there. The next few sentences were...perhaps more honest than any of us really need.)
I need to breathe, not just breathe and get through the day or the situation or the moment...but breathe...and not feel like I'm holding my breath waiting for the next knock on my door in the middle of the night or the next person who isn't going to be talking to me but doesn't tell me that or explain why or the next person who just wants me fixed so they can feel better. I'm tired of holding my breath.
I need to just be touched...and for it to be okay...and not to feel like I have to be guarded because someone is going to question my motives or morals because I like the feel of a touch. Today someone touched me on the back. It was one of those I'm-here-and-I-don't-want-to-surprise-you-or-hurt-either-of-us-if-you-move kind of touches. Solid. Safe. Innocuous. Even with the intense situation we were in, I felt my whole body respond. It was like the gasp of air its been wanting. It wasn't sexual. It was just...what I had been needing.
I need to get out of the eggshell realm. I'm tired of people being afraid to move or breathe or touch me because they might make me think of something sad. I'm tired of people being afraid they will say or do the wrong thing. The reality is at some point we all say or do the wrong thing...even in "normal" life. We hurt people's feelings, say things that are filtered in a hurtful way, act selfishly, or try to help and end up hurting. That is the normal course of human beings. Yes, I'm raw, and that leaves a bigger chance of injury. Yes, I'm going to remember, be sad, cry, hurt beyond words, and even lash out in anger...I will also laugh, smile, thank God, and apologize...because sometimes it isn't about you, and I really am sorry. I am also pro-relationship, and if I trust your heart, I'm going to work it out with you. I need you to have enough faith in me to believe I will trust your heart and value you enough to walk through the pain for our friendship. Besides, my greatest sadness is that I don't feel I have anyone who wants to be close to me, that it is easier for people to stay on the other side of the window instead of coming in, moving laundry off the couch, and sitting with me...even if that is sitting in silence on the floor.
I started to say I need some alone time. Except when I am alone, all I see is the void and what isn't anymore, and I sit there, stare into the darkness, and feel overwhelmed by the loss. And, honestly, I'm alone all the time. What I need is someone who is courageous and unafraid of building in a void, and I need them courageous enough to build *my* new world, not theirs, and sometimes that will mean doing things they've never done. Sometimes it'll mean doing things neither of us have ever done...and finding the adventure exciting...even if the end result isn't what we expected.
I need someone...a group of some ones...to find me valuable enough to meet those needs.
And as I write this...as I force my fingers to write that last sentence...my heart is pounding, and I want to vomit...because what if no one does?
****I have chosen to write this post not only to express my needs, but for others...
...who have the same needs...and need someone to give them words...
...and for those who have no words but want to help...
For all of you, may God bless you...****