Friday, June 10, 2011

Out of No Where

Tomorrow is my family reunion. I've been really excited about it. I like my whole family, but the gal cousins on my "generational level" rock beyond words. We always have fun.

About an hour ago I went into the kitchen to boil eggs for devilled eggs and fix the greenbeans for the slowcooker...and started to cry and felt the incredible urge to vomit.

And I don't know what to say.

5 comments:

My daily walk in His grace! said...

Hi Jerri, praying for you. Could it be fear? Fear is not of God and His word says His love removes all fear. You have been in a place where maybe you have felt others judgement against you and so maybe you're anticipating something like this? Walk in there and love them, offer them grace and mercy. And let God do the rest. Don't know if this helped.
God bless
Tracy

mizzbrizz said...

Sorry to hear that, Jerri. I ADORE my family, but family gatherings are still very tough for me. I feel so out of place amongst the happy couples and families...even when I do have my kids with me.

Jerri Kelley said...

Mizzbrizz, yep. I totally understand what you mean.

Tracy, no, it wasn't fear of judgment. It was exactly what I expected. First person that talked to me, a cousin about 8 years younger, told me he had started riding his bike again and trying to get healthy, "because I don't want to die young like Rob and leave people who love me behind." Nice start of the day.

Second person, "Oh, honey, I didn't know your momma died. No one told me that." I shrugged and told her I'm sorry she didn't know. She said, "Well, I thought highly of your mother, and it would have been nice to know." Yeah.

Mostly, though, it's the huge changes. In the last year I love my mom to cancer, my stepdad to angry depression, my marriage, Rob to death because even though we were going to get divorced he was here, Rob's family (I will not explain), and over five of my closest friends because sometimes in divorces sides are taken. I lost my church because I completely associate it with grief and hate to attend. I could continue, but being alone is very hard, and a family gathering only makes it even more obvious.

So, no, it isn't fear. It's being alone.

Blessings!

My daily walk in His grace! said...

Hi Jerri. I have been through nothing like you, but I have lost my whole in-law family due to extreme jealously (which has turned to hatred with some of them) and all the pain that comes with that. The saddest part for me being that some of those doing the jealousy bit are the'Christians' in the family! Its been going on for 4 years and even today, i mourn the loss of them but am so devastated by the hurt and unfairness (and I have raged some and sometimes still do depending on the latest incident). I so badly want vindication and restoration - but -
For me, I think God wants me to be happy without them. to be content with just Him and leave them to Him. He wants me to leave them in His hands and trust the outcome to Him. I still long for them and the whole 'happy families' thing. But I am coming to terms with the fact that it will never be the same again anyway. I came from a small family and they are a large family and I have always enjoyed them, so to feel isolated and deliberately pushed aside by them hurts.

My point is, I can see your loneliness and hurt and will pray for you. Maybe with your family its a time thing - you know - to get all the uncomfortable conversations out the way - and develop new different relationships with them, by letting them know 'this is me - God loves me the way I am - and I'd like to relate - but the ball is in your court sort of thing'. Does any of that help or make sense?
God bless
Tracy
ps: for some reason God puts you strongly on my heart.- Don't forget how precious you are to Him

Jerri Kelley said...

Tracy, you are such a precious blessing.

God's wonders be opened to your physical as well as your spiritual eyes!

Blessings,
Jerri