Friday, June 3, 2011

When You Don't Know What to Do, Celebrate...You

I didn't know what to do. I had never done this before, and I had no idea what to expect. I didn't know who to ask because...well, frankly it's a rather awkward topic, not something that comes up in social gatherings or emails either for that matter, and I wasn't sure anyone else could really relate anyway. It was going to happen, though. It wasn't like I could avoid it. It would have just been nice if there had been some kind of directions, some kind of...something.

But there wasn't.

Sometimes a person just has to find her own way...and I did. And my way was to celebrate.

June 2 is a big day in my world. It's the day I changed my name. The day I made a covenant to love and cherish till death do us part, and the day I was reminded of how horribly wrong things can go.

Last year was bad. I didn't even buy Rob a card. It was so obvious that our marriage was coming apart. We weren't even sleeping in the same room any more. I can't tell you if we went out or if we really even talked. I think he bought me a card, but I can't tell you what it said.

Then came the 8 months I could have never imagined, and I went from preparing to be an ex-wife to being a widow with one late-night visit from the police, and suddenly, our anniversary was here again, and I had no idea what to do.

All I really knew is I have hurt enough. I could not take one more day of...hell. And really, that is what the last year has felt like. It has been a mental and emotional hell I would never wish on anyone, and I could not do another day of it.

It's not enough to know what one doesn't want to do, though. One has to determine what she DOES want to do, and I wanted to be done.

I wanted to be done with the rejection. I wanted to be done with figuring out what made him unhappy. I wanted to be done wondering what I could have done differently. I wanted to be done being....

No.

That's not true.

It's more than what I wanted to leave behind. It's what I wanted to embrace. It wasn't what I wanted dead. It's how I want to live.

I wanted to celebrate me. I wanted to just enjoy being me, with my gifts, my talents, my personality, my sense of humor, my...life.

So, instead of getting a bottle of wine and offering a toast "to us" and "the good times" and feeling like puking because of the hypocrisy of it all, I pulled on my overalls, got in my pickup, and headed to a Habitat for Humanity site. I spent the day with amazing people who filled my heart with smiles, fabulous memories that felt good to my soul, and laughter that still rings in my mind and ears. I learned some new skills, did what I do best [talk :-) ], and felt needed and wanted. I wasn't a widow or an ex-wife. I was simply Jerri, and that was enough. I didn't do anything amazing or anything. I just did...me.

And it felt good.

Last night I went to dinner with my brother, and then we went to see a midnight premiere that ended about 2:30. I had never been to a midnight premiere. This morning my sides are sore from laughing so hard, and I ended up sleeping until nearly lunch. Horribly irresponsible and impractical. I will definitely do it again.

It was a wonderful day. I laughed. I sang. I breathed deep, and I celebrated life. I celebrated...me.

6 comments:

mizzbrizz said...

That ROCKS! WTG, Jerri!

Jerri Kelley said...

Mizzbrizz, thank you, dear one! God is amazing. He is so personal, so detailed.

I find it interesting how God puts just the right words in someone's mouth to make the world turn differently. Yesterday my site lead, Fred, said something that is seemingly innocuous, but when he said it, it was like I felt my whole understanding and reality align to where it is supposed to be. It was truly a God-thing. It was a fabulous day. :-)

Big hugs, Mizzbrizz! Been missing you during my vacation, lovely time having guests, and simply taking time to figure out footing. See you is like coming home. You're a blessing!

My daily walk in His grace! said...

Hi Jerri. Its great to see you on your blog again and so positive. Today is the first day of the rest of your life - Live it to the full. I pray you go from strength to strength. God bless
Tracy

Jerri Kelley said...

Tracy, I'm so glad you posted this. I really need to catch up on things here. Been wondrously busy with a trip to see friends near the beach, having company here, and being sleepy. LOL! I'll tell about that in the next blog.

Life is glorious, my friend!

Blessings to you, too, sweet lady!

Jenny B. said...

Jerri- you rock my socks!

Jerri Kelley said...

Jenny, awwww shucks.... :-)

Love you too!!!