Saturday, December 10, 2011

My Journal Uncensored--Emotionally Unavailable

"I am emotionally damaged and emotionally unavailable."

His words roll around in my head like that annoying drippy faucet that can't be turned off. It's annoying and grates on my nerves...and is oddly comforting.

It is comforting to have a term, some kind of defined explanation. It is also wildly comforting in a mental/emotional "raft up" kind of way. Ironic how another emotionally unavailable person can release emotions of joyous contentment in my not being alone in this.

It also bothers me in deep ways I don't want to explain, in vulnerable ways that pull back the "all is fine" mask and reveals the all too raw places underneath.

Frankly, the whole thing makes me mad.

It makes me mad that I gave him power to do this. It makes me made that I still give him that power.

But how do I take it back?

Heather said she knows several women who think the way to get over one man is to get under another.

Just how much nameless sex does it take to stop feeling like your name is painfully easy to forget?

Or in some cases, before you stop feeling at all?

Since I seem to already be there, I think I can skip the whole sex debacle and be fairly confident I haven't missed anything.

I may not have all the answers, but one thing I do know, a man getting in my pants and a man getting behind my walls is not the same thing.

And ultimately, I want him behind my walls.

Ultimately, I want to trust again.

Ultimately, I want the wild ride of passion...about all of life...again.

Ultimately, I want to feel deeply, where right now I feel mostly numb.

Ultimately, I want to love fearlessly, knowing I can invest huge and watch it all walk away if someone decides I am not enough...or they aren't...

Ultimately, it isn't about a man finding his way behind my walls.
It's about my not wanting to be a prisoner inside them.

5 comments:

mizzbrizz said...

For the record, Heather thinks her friends are wrong. That is just a moment. It doesn't heal the heart or the hurt. And I agree with you, "Ultimately, it isn't about a man finding his way behind my walls.
It's about my not wanting to be a prisoner inside them." Even though right now, within my teary being, what I long for is this: "Ultimately, I want to feel deeply, where right now I feel mostly numb." I am tired of numb.

Thanks for having words where sometimes mine have left me. Huge hugs, my friend!

Jerri Kelley said...

Sweet Beautiful Friend,
My heart hugs you, and I weep with you. No verses. No cliches. Just aching with you...I know your heart. It is rich with beauty and passioante beyond words. It needs the place to breathe. Praying for such a place.

Love you!

Alece said...

YES YES YES. to all of this. and your last line? "Ultimately, it isn't about a man finding his way behind my walls. It's about my not wanting to be a prisoner inside them." wow... an even louder YES...

Jerri Kelley said...

Alece, you are courageous! I have seen you...tearing down the walls...maybe terrified sometimes...in a lot of pain others...BUT refusing to be a prisoner. You are beautiful! I am so blessed by you. :-)

Anonymous said...

How many times have I been told to move on and that I will find someone else...am still young anyways and have my whole life ahead of me.

What am trying to let them understand is that no matter how okay I seem on the outside, am still hurting. Scarred. Scared.

Ultimately, it is not just the man himself that they're wanting me to find a replacement for. It is what that man meant, was and is for me, the love of my life and the father of my child.

*long deep sigh*

PX