His words roll around in my head like that annoying drippy faucet that can't be turned off. It's annoying and grates on my nerves...and is oddly comforting.
It is comforting to have a term, some kind of defined explanation. It is also wildly comforting in a mental/emotional "raft up" kind of way. Ironic how another emotionally unavailable person can release emotions of joyous contentment in my not being alone in this.
It also bothers me in deep ways I don't want to explain, in vulnerable ways that pull back the "all is fine" mask and reveals the all too raw places underneath.
Frankly, the whole thing makes me mad.
It makes me mad that I gave him power to do this. It makes me made that I still give him that power.
But how do I take it back?
Heather said she knows several women who think the way to get over one man is to get under another.
Just how much nameless sex does it take to stop feeling like your name is painfully easy to forget?
Or in some cases, before you stop feeling at all?
Since I seem to already be there, I think I can skip the whole sex debacle and be fairly confident I haven't missed anything.
I may not have all the answers, but one thing I do know, a man getting in my pants and a man getting behind my walls is not the same thing.
And ultimately, I want him behind my walls.
Ultimately, I want to trust again.
Ultimately, I want the wild ride of passion...about all of life...again.
Ultimately, I want to feel deeply, where right now I feel mostly numb.
Ultimately, I want to love fearlessly, knowing I can invest huge and watch it all walk away if someone decides I am not enough...or they aren't...
Ultimately, it isn't about a man finding his way behind my walls.
It's about my not wanting to be a prisoner inside them.